April 23, 2012

WWAD? (What Would Allah Do?)

It's slim pickins in the pueblo when it comes to maternity garb.  Well, quite honestly, it's slim pickins when it comes to any kind of garb at all.  As far as I can tell we have three official dress shops, one of them doubling as hunting supply store during season.  Hey, it's crisis over here (pronounced kree-seize) so I guess you gotta make your buck/euro wherever you can.

Imagine the excitement when the Moroccan's wife branched out on her own and opened up a women's shop on the main avenida just a stone's throw from his souped up version of the Dollar Store.  Though I wasn't expecting to find anything too sexy from this Muslim shopkeeper, I'll admit to hopes of a flowing (and waistless) dress that might ease me into the inferno that is summer in southern Spain.   Maybe it would have a pretty floral design that would mimick a henna tatoo.  Exactly what I need floating around my rapidly expanding midsection.  Sadly, my maternity collection, though I think Liz Lange would take issue with me calling it that, from the past six years is chock full of little more than polyester pant suits, long sleeved tops and two button cardigans; telltale signs of the summer mating of the schoolteacher in hopes of springtime babies.  

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Caption?  Are you kidding me?!?
Let's make it a game, shall we?  
Post your best caption in the comments
section because I'm at a loss.
So with visions of airy cotton dresses, I hoofed it down to the new dress shop, so new in fact it doesn't even have a name, my 20 euro note burning a hole in my pocket.  And this is who greeted me.

Isn't she, uhm, subtle?
What in the hell?
And braless to boot. 

I had never seen such, such...what do I even call them?  Okay, so let's try again.  For a shop run by the only Muslim family in the pueblo, I couldn't believe my eyes.  Were those boobs or missiles?  Holy balls those things were huge!  Maybe Moroccan women are bustier than Spanish women.  Maybe Mohamed got some kind of a discount on this mannequin seeing as her boobs are twice as large as her head.  Is there such a thing as bargain basement for mannequin shopping?  Jeez o Pete.  Those tits are ridiculous.  And how did his wife feel about such bazookas in her storefront window?  It's not exactly Jihad material but it's gotta be cuttin' it close on a few of those doctrines listed in the Qur'an.

I shook my head to clear the image and entered.  Please have something that will fit me a month, 2 months, 5 months from now.  And may it not have rhinestones or leopard print.  Please

I scoured that store for far longer than it was worth.  I flipped past the zebra print leggings, ignored the "I Love insert African nation of your choice" tees,  and skipped the Spanish housecoat section altogether, though it was tempting.  And finally, found this.  Not bad and I still had some change left over to accessorize.  I would walk out for under 9 euros, thank you pueblo pricing but it remains to be seen how long the fit will last.  At three months I'm well, grande.  I guess if push comes to shove I can always go for the button down shown on the gal in the window.  In fact, at a closer glance, it just may be the perfect blouse for a  lactating mom, don't you think?


  1. Very cute dress but I have to admit to wanting to see how the people in the pueblo would react to their English teacher wearing the top. That would make a funny blog, pictures of you strutting down the cobblestone streets, baby bump swaying proudly in the open air, while the rest of the town stands aside, mouths agape. :)

  2. Hmm, I remember a couple of days post-partum when that mannequin would have had nothing on me! Thankfully that didn't last long.

    Maybe they'll get some new stock in soon? If not, zebra-print leggings would make an interesting blog post, if nothing else...

  3. Pretty dress, and it looks comfortable.

    And now for the caption:

    Pechos fuera! Afrodita A se prepara para lanzar sus pechos misiles. (To understand this, ask your husband about a cartoon series called Mazinger Z. This was a big thing with all the Spanish guys in the late 60s or early 70s, I'm not sure which)