SWIMMING WITH THE GESTAPPO

Have I mentioned yet that Cordoba in August is hot?  I´m not talking the kind of hot where you can fry an egg on the sidewalk.  I´m talking the kind of hot where you can fry an egg and an entire slab of bacon on your own ass from the comfort and let´s not forget privacy of your home because no matter how high you´ve got that AC cranked up, it´s still so mo´fo hot that your boobs are withered up like two little raisins and stuck to your ribs as all mommy boobs do, the sweat is not just dripping but pouring down your ass crack a la Niagra Falls and lunchtime is still an hour away - not that you´re looking forward to it because it means having to go into the non air conditioned one port hole-in-the-wall room that someone decided would be a perfect place to design a kitchen!  THAT my friends is hot.  And that is Cordoba in August.

When we discovered the Piscina Municipal de Cordoba, we said to hell with the 30 square foot apartment that doubles as a dutch oven and packed up the family to take refuge at the city pool.  It´s barely a twelve minute walk from the flat but when the mercury is cracking 100 before noon it makes that twelve minutes feel like twelve hours. We urged the kids on with promises of cannon balls and ice cream and before we knew it we were there.  Sweating our asses off, but there and ready to swim.

Try as I might, I just couldn't get Henry
to flip good ole' Pedro the bird.

The facility is truly an oasis in the midst of the desert that is Cordoba in the summertime. The main pool is designed in the shape of the letter U, approximately 25 meters on all three of the straightaways.    Rather than a smooth poured cement bottom, there were tiny royal blue ceramic tiles laid in place.  This in my opinion, was ingenious on the part of the architect.  There could be twenty gallons of fecal matter bubbling up from the bottom of the pool and you´d see me diving in headfirst with a toothy grin.  The ceramic tiles gave the water a bluer than blue appearance which in a word was hypnotizing.  So in we staggered, peeling off a a sandal here, a t-shirt there...one foot in front of the other just trying to make it to that cool blue oasis before us.

That was how we spent our last days in the city.  If heaven has a swimming pool, then this is definitely it.  Or was it?  I would learn all too quickly that appearances can be deceiving because Heaven's pool, it appears, is run by the Gestappo.  But for this post I´ll just call him Pedro.

Pedro is the head lifeguard at the Cordoba Municpal Pool.  And yes, Pedro is a dick.  According to Pedro, one must abide by the following rules which are posted in 12 point Times New Roman at the far back of of the restroom wall because doing so allows Pedro to pull full dickhead rank at his every whim.  Pay attention as there will be a test:

1.  DO NOT wear your prescription sunglasses in the water.  It does not matter if you are legally blind without them (Joe).  Absolutely no glasses are allowed while in or near the water.  If you are so unfortunate as to be visually impaired, then you can just swim with your seeing eye dog or cling to the side of the pool. 

2.  DO NOT walk.  At the Cordoba Municipal Pool, running is encouraged.  So too is diving into the shallow end, flips, dunking, cannonballs, can openers...in short any type of amusing acrobatic feat that may entertain the lifeguards is highly acceptable.

3.  DO NOT smoke.  This is a smoke free facility.  Now, if you are going to discretely light up a joint and smoke it under your towel, behind the bushes, or with your back to the lifeguard staff, then by all means go ahead. 

4.  DO NOT distract the guard staff.  Your safety is our number one priority.  Our number two priority is getting a date for later on this evening and making sure that the radio station is tuned to the best of the top 40.  So please, save your flailing arms, choking, and skinned knees for the E.R. unless of course you're single with a C cup or larger.  Then we can talk.

5.  DO NOT take pictures.  You will not be allowed to photograph your own child no matter what the reason.  Oh, your son did his first dive into the pool?  Too damned bad.  What, your little girl finally got her face wet and blew a bubble?  Suck it up.  No photos allowed.

6.  DO NOT accompany your child into the baby pool.  The baby pool is for children under the age of 6 years.  You may not get anything above your ankles wet if you are older than six years of age.  If your child slips and begins to drown, scream in the direction of the nearest guard (200 meters away), wait for him to confirm her telephone number and/or the date for that evening and then direct him to your drowning toddler.

The rules are simple folks.  Now go on, get out there and enjoy yourselves.