May 18, 2011

NOT TONIGHT HONEY, I'M PARALYZED

Kiss my ass, U-Haul.
Packing ten years worth of bullshit in the span of 6 weeks might just go down as one of my stupidest moments yet. Especially after last night. I’ve never had such back pain in my entire life. Ever.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough Joe decides he’s horny - I can’t even move, the pain is paralyzing and I’m just laying there like a Christopher Reeve, face down in my own pool of drool, nothing below the neck moving while Don Juan is dry humping my leg; his lame yet noble attempt at trying to put me in the mood. I’ve had sexier moments, yes, but last night was not one of them.


It dawned on me between muscle spasms and the annoying nudge of the one eyed snake under the covers that I’m just never gonna be one of those Real Housewives of Bravo TV. Those skinny bitches who get to whine about how much they’ve got on their plates with all that working out and shopping they have to do. However do they find the time? Well, it’s just not in the cards for me and I’m coming to terms with it. Slowly.

When Joe told me that he had confirmed the 6 one way tickets I will admit, there was a feeling of sheer panic that swept over me. It’s like those first five seconds after you read the positive results from your home pregnancy test. You’re thrilled but at the same time thinking, Holy Shit, no turning back now. Yeah, that’s how I feel. We’ve just launched ourselves from the 10 metre platform and well, there’s no turning back now.

I won’t complain anymore about working like a slave for these next six weeks. Quite honestly, I have neither the time nor the energy. No, I think I’ll save it instead for title consideration for my future book.

The Girl with the Couch on her Back.

Reeks of Pulitzer, doesn’t it?

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6 comments:

  1. JamieMay 18, 2011 at 2:56 PM

    LOL. I think we can all relate to this post, well except for the packing part, but definitely the husband part. Glad our guys are good sports. :)

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  2. AnonymousMay 18, 2011 at 2:58 PM

    You are a brave one. But life's too short to hang around the midwest. A great adventure awaits you, and your stuff will probably get lost en route anyway! If I had half an hour of free time, a nap would rank far above shopping, working out or sex. But that is why I'm not on TV. I have a million questions about your new life. I suspect you do too. Hang in there!

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  3. Joaquin GeistMay 18, 2011 at 4:56 PM

    As long as they don't lose the dog, we're good. $250 for the dog and she doesn't even get a lousy bag of peanuts. Criminal I say, criminal!

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  4. UnknownMay 19, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    Your too funny. Good luck with the move!

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  5. kateMay 25, 2011 at 3:20 PM

    Yes, one way tickets are scary! But, an adventure awaits!

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  6. thecatalanwayJune 6, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    jost read some more - what an exciting adventure! I feel pretty sure you'll not regret it. I have been here 2 years and am still doing the Feng Shui on the house in the UK! So good luck with it all and enjoy the journey Kate x

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