March 7, 2011


Not sure if you knew this but Wednesday marks Barbie's 52nd birthday.  On this day, March 9th, 1959, Barbie made her debut at a toy fair in New York City.  Wow.  Has it really been half a century?  Time flies when you're warping the minds of young girls I guess.

Actually, I really have no place to be such a cynic.  I did afterall own a suitcase full of her and her friends, each and every one my very own fashion slave.  Barbie, Skipper, Ken and a slew of nameless Generics kept me entertained for hours during those long, dark Wisconsin winters.  I vaguely remember Ken groping one of them awkwardly with his stiff plastic paws in the upstairs bedroom of the Dream House while Skipper was downstairs making coffee in the kitchen. Thank you Mattel for that first sexual experience in my Madison basement. 

-Catering Barbie's Bakery-
complete with muffin tins & spatulas
(prescription pills & therapy sessions
 sold separately)
Trust me, I've seen enough media coverage to know that Barbie eventually evolved beyond baking and decorating though to what extent I'm just not sure.  I went out to her blog today and found this.  Yeah, I know, I know.  The bitch has her own blog!  Geez.  Well, the whole thing got me thinking and wondering why Mattel doesn't make and market a new Barbie.  If I were on the project design team this is how I'd approach it:

First off, she'd need a cool name.  Nothing too traditional like "Barbie" because this is afterall, 2011 and everyone has named their kid something different to set them apart.  I mean even if you were lucky enough to have gotten a normal name these days you can bet your sweet ass that your parents chose an alternative spelling of it so as to make it unique.

Then she'd needs a job (or two) because let's face it, we ALL work these days.  Even my stay-at-home mom friends have a thing or more going on the side:  candles, wine, babysitting, cooking crap...we're all trying to stay afloat in this economy that much is obvious.  Maybe she could be like me?  Professional by day but what by night? 

And what would her issue be because we ALL have those too.  Alcoholism?  Hoarding?  Eating disorder?  Maybe something less severe but still a real pain in the ass to manage.  Procrastinator?  Gotta think on that.  Might not work for her but it works for me.

So here she is, the New and Approved Barbie:

Manager at Starbucks by day and Zumba Instructor at the local healthclub by night
Divorced once, current wife to Jim (Ken's co-worker)
(3) Addyson, Tennyson and Benson.  Benson has ADHD and Tennyson is hyper active
Taller than average (it is Barbie afterall), multiple criss-crossed and sagging c-section scars, chin whiskers (due to excessive caffeine intake) and bunions
None that she's come clean with but her friends suspect bulimia, a growing addiction to prescription pills & the jury's still out on her compulsive Clearance shopping habit

I know I'm missing something. I'll submit the final work up to Mattel with a proposed MRSP of $24.99. Surely they'll have more than enough opportunity to branch out with the following accessories:

teeth whitener kit for the caffeine stains ($7.99)
body shaping girdle for the hooch-pooch sag ($9.99)
  syringes for Botox injections ($16.99)
tweezers for the whiskers ($5.99)

The New and Approved Barbie by Mattel 
...because every little girl deserves a look at what her future can be!


  1. Nice. Good post. I used to creep my mom out with my barbie playing when I was little. I couldn't get the voices right out loud, so I made them talk in my head. I played for hours in my room in total silence with them.

  2. P.S. Jim, Ken's ex-coworker. That is my favorite.

  3. I definitely think there should be a hemorrhoid Barbie that comes with her very own hemorrhoid cream.
    What about washed up child actress Barbie?
    I think you're on to something here, for sure. :)

  4. Perhaps she needs some hobbies. Garage saleing? Card carrying member of Scrap bookers anonomous? Closeted accordian player? I suspect she also clips coupons for bulk blue eyeshadow and has a wicked collection of 80´s Jane Fonda style aerobic thongs.

  5. I guess Barbie is still kind of a step up from those nasty Bratz girls. Or is she? Maybe she's more better at covering up her nastiness.

    @ATWG: I'm down with the roids. I think Mattel should put them on her butt too. Why not? And while we're down there how about some rough spots on the bikini line from trying to shave those impossible hairs?

    @NSS: You're right! How could I have forgotten hobbies? DUH! Macrame. Sudoko. Body piercing...

  6. Wait--- too much caffeine gives you chin hairs? Please tell me you made that up...

  7. LOL, great post! I think there should be a cellulite barbie ;)

  8. @Kate - what? no chin hairs? I know you drink the good stuff over there yonder. Well, great. Just great. I guess the (Star)buck(s) stops here. Whiskers be damned!

    @JG: All over that one. SPANX for Barbie, I love it!

  9. LMAO. I love it. Let's give Barbie some stretch marks too. Oh, and can her name be one of those "boy" names, like Charlie? I love those.
    @ Robin--that's too funny.

  10. I've been giggling about this post since I read it earlier.
    Can she have split ends and visible roots?

    Don't know whether you had them 'over there' but I remember Cindy, she was like Barbie but with a mahoosive head, much cheaper than Barbie by all stretches of the imagination I dare say!


  11. I don't recall a Cindy but from the description of her "mahoosive' cranium, I think she and I would probably get along. Better of course if it were her ass that were mahoosive instead of the head but I'll take what I can get.


    I couldn't find a picture then I realised she was a Sindy with an 'S' duh! If that link works, it will show you how lovely she was :)x

  13. Poor Sindy. That hair had to take a lot of effort. I'm so glad the updo is overwith, at least for me.

  14. I'm totally cracking up at Kate's comment because my first thought was the same.