YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY

Not sure if you knew this but Wednesday marks Barbie's 52nd birthday.  On this day, March 9th, 1959, Barbie made her debut at a toy fair in New York City.  Wow.  Has it really been half a century?  Time flies when you're warping the minds of young girls I guess.

Actually, I really have no place to be such a cynic.  I did afterall own a suitcase full of her and her friends, each and every one my very own fashion slave.  Barbie, Skipper, Ken and a slew of nameless Generics kept me entertained for hours during those long, dark Wisconsin winters.  I vaguely remember Ken groping one of them awkwardly with his stiff plastic paws in the upstairs bedroom of the Dream House while Skipper was downstairs making coffee in the kitchen. Thank you Mattel for that first sexual experience in my Madison basement. 

-Catering Barbie's Bakery-
complete with muffin tins & spatulas
(prescription pills & therapy sessions
 sold separately)

Trust me, I've seen enough media coverage to know that Barbie eventually evolved beyond baking and decorating though to what extent I'm just not sure.  I went out to her blog today and found this.  Yeah, I know, I know.  The bitch has her own blog!  Geez.  Well, the whole thing got me thinking and wondering why Mattel doesn't make and market a new Barbie.  If I were on the project design team this is how I'd approach it:

First off, she'd need a cool name.  Nothing too traditional like "Barbie" because this is afterall, 2011 and everyone has named their kid something different to set them apart.  I mean even if you were lucky enough to have gotten a normal name these days you can bet your sweet ass that your parents chose an alternative spelling of it so as to make it unique.

Then she'd needs a job (or two) because let's face it, we ALL work these days.  Even my stay-at-home mom friends have a thing or more going on the side:  candles, wine, babysitting, cooking crap...we're all trying to stay afloat in this economy that much is obvious.  Maybe she could be like me?  Professional by day but what by night? 

And what would her issue be because we ALL have those too.  Alcoholism?  Hoarding?  Eating disorder?  Maybe something less severe but still a real pain in the ass to manage.  Procrastinator?  Gotta think on that.  Might not work for her but it works for me.

So here she is, the New and Approved Barbie:

WORK:
Manager at Starbucks by day and Zumba Instructor at the local healthclub by night
MARITAL STATUS: 
Divorced once, current wife to Jim (Ken's co-worker)

CHILDREN:
(3) Addyson, Tennyson and Benson.  Benson has ADHD and Tennyson is hyper active

NOTABLE PHYSICAL FEATURES:
Taller than average (it is Barbie afterall), multiple criss-crossed and sagging c-section scars, chin whiskers (due to excessive caffeine intake) and bunions

PERSONAL CHALLENGES:
None that she's come clean with but her friends suspect bulimia, a growing addiction to prescription pills & the jury's still out on her compulsive Clearance shopping habit

Thoughts?

I know I'm missing something. I'll submit the final work up to Mattel with a proposed MRSP of $24.99. Surely they'll have more than enough opportunity to branch out with the following accessories:

teeth whitener kit for the caffeine stains ($7.99)

body shaping girdle for the hooch-pooch sag ($9.99)

  syringes for Botox injections ($16.99)

tweezers for the whiskers ($5.99)

The New and Approved Barbie by Mattel 

...because every little girl deserves a look at what her future can be!