July 25, 2010


It never fails.  Whenever I get to a certain point in mowing the yard, my brain kicks into automatic pilot, my to-do list that I've been mentally checking off all morning self destructs and I'm on temporary hiatus from the chaos that is life.  This same phenomenon, though perhaps to a slightly lesser degree, used to happen to me back when I could call myself a runner-10 miles here, 6 to 8 there...but let's face it, a husband, three kids and a dog later, those running shoes have seen little action lately. 

So there I am today, following the power lawn mower back and forth across the front yard wondering how badly the tan lines from my nursing bra are going to look if I can ever get into normal clothes again and I pass the lightning stunted climbing tree that would usually have 4-6 kids hanging out of it save for the fact that Charlie and Lola have been at Grandma's for the past day and a half, the neighbor kids are pissed and now boycotting our front yard.  Anyway, as I pass the tree I squeeze the handle of the mower a little too tightly and feel the power surge and it dawns on me that in doing so I have probably just used up more gas than necessary.  And like that my mind takes off like a stallion out of the gates at Churchill Downs and I can barely keep up...

How much gas does this mower hold in it's tank?
More than a gallon?  Less than a gallon?
Lemme think now -  I can fit 3 gallons comfortably in our side by side fridge, provided they're the Costco kind.
How many gallons did they say BP spilled into the Gulf of Mexico?
Didn't Anderson Cooper report some 1.5-2.5 million gallons since mid April?
No.  Impossible.  Well, if it IS in the millions we're screwed.  
And why do they keep calling it a spill?  Isn't a 'spill' more like a one time event?
You know, like,  "Hey Charlie, careful now, that's a big-boy cup.  No lid on that one, Buddy.  Try not to spill."
All that oil from the live feed camera just above CNN's ticker was coming out full force.  That was no 'spill' in fact, it looked more like a massive hemorrhage to me.
How do you spell hemorrhage anyway?  One h?  Two?  I think there's two.
So if BP drilled into the floor of the ocean to hit oil, the pipe then broke....um, yeah, this is some some serious shit.
How many gallons came out again?
Per day?
Per hour?
How big is the Gulf of Mexico anyway?
And now there are reports of oil coming ashore and settling to the sandy bottom of the sea floor.
How is THAT going to effect all those bottom feeder fish?
Will I ever be able to eat a jumbo Gulf shrimp again without needing a follow-up medical exam?
Won't the birds that survive get sick from eating contaminated fish?
Are the birds that have been rescued smart enough not to fly back into all that crap again?
Geez, how can they miss it?  It's everywhere.
Oh crap, there goes the food chain.
Wait a second, didn't they say in high school earth science class that water evaporates off of the big bodies of water, goes up into the atmosphere and then comes down again? 
What exactly was it about that water cycle thing again?
I gotta look that up.
So my toilet overflows.  Shit is going everywhere.  I'm not gonna whip out the Clorox and start mopping the floor.  NoSireeJimBob-a-Rooney.  I'm gonna turn the danged thing off. 
Yeah, common sense says to TURN.IT.OFF!
What were they thinking?
Plug the damned thing.
And hey, Mexico.  You too Central America, Cuba, and while we're at it, South America - newsflash:  it's your water too!
Can't that Gulf stream spin that crap down around the tip of Florida and whip it up the Eastern Seaboard?
Well, helllllllooooo Europe!
Come on, world.  Get off your butts and react to this. 
It's a stinkin' mess!!
How many platforms are out there anyway?
Who's regulating them?
Hell, what good is regulating them when your drilling into the bowels of Mother Earth? 
Jesus.  This is insane.
Where did we buy the gas for this mower?
Did it come from a BP station?
Note to self, gotta boycott BP.
Nope.  Not gonna double cut the lawn today. 
Maybe I should stop mowing altogether.
Wouldn't the neighbors just love that? 
Better yet, I should get Joe to do his ridiculous crab grass removal strategy which involves matches and a bit of pyromania on the entire front yard and not just the bad spots
No, wait!  We could burn a message into the front yard so that all of the NW flights that fly over our house can look down and see in giant letters

F     U     B    P

Yeah.  That's it.

Hang on, sister.  There's more to it than just oil...
It's deforestation.
It's lack of recycling.
It's global warming. 
It's lack of potable water.  95% of the world’s cities still dump raw sewage into their water supplies.  Really?  Come on, people.
It's food safety and chemical contamination.  Genetically modified crops, food tainted with salmonella and E.coli bacteria, milk and other food containing hormones or antibiotics, baby formula laced with perchlorate (a chemical used in rocket fuel and explosives)...
No wonder our insurance rates keep climbing.
It's pandemics and superbugs.  Swine flu.  Avian flu.  Resistance to antibiotics.  70% of which are fed to healthy pigs, poultry and cattle, and end up in our food and water supply.

How's THAT?
It's nuclear energy.
It's...it's...it's...enough already. 
Screw the yard.
I'm going back to running.
My butt and thighs will thank me.
My unbalanced postpartum hormone levels are too unstable for this shit, that's for sure.
Oh yeah, and one last thing.

F     U     B     P


  1. LMAO! You are too funny!Glad you are back and back in full force. I agree F U B P. Make sure you check my blog on Friday and link up for Friday Follow blog hops, lots of new blogs and new followers. Love ya-D

  2. Ooooh, I need to hire an editor. The typos/oversights are killing me. Your/You're, it's/its...may a lightning rod strike me down for all of them. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

  3. wow! how your mind went flying from just mowing the lawn. Great reading. I loved your spin of thought :)